Do you agree with living with someone before you're married? Is it ok after you have a ring, but before the actual wedding? Or do you think you should wait until after you're married to move in together?
For me, this is the only thing I'm traditional about. I can't wait to live with my Fiance, but that's part of the excitement for me of getting married. Although I'm sure it's hard, I think it will be fun to co-habitate and learn more about each other and think that in 50 years we'll look back on our first year of marriage and living together and have lots of fun tales to share (although they probably won't be funny at the time). Also, statistically it's in my favor to wait.
Check out what I found online here:
-More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.
-About 45 percent of those who begin cohabiting, do not marry. Another 5-10 percent continue living together and do not marry.
-Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to divorce than those who did not.
-Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.
-A Penn State study reports that even a month’s cohabitation decreases the quality of the couple’s relationship.
Here's arguments about why you should live together:
-It's a marriage "pre-trial", you can see if you and your partner are truly compatible
-It helps you to work out those bumps of learning to live together
-Financially it can save you money instead of paying two rents, utilities etc. you only have to pay one
-If you spend almost every night together anyways, what difference does it make if you live together?
-Studies have shown that although waiting to cohabitate until marriage does increase your likelyhood of a successful marriage, the margin is not that different compared to couples to did cohabitate beforehand. Check out the numbers here, I would write them out for you but there's a lot of different numbers based on engaged or not engaged and men vs women so just read the article.
Obviously, every couple will be different and even if you did everything "by the book" doesn't mean you won't end in divorce or vice versa. I don't look down upon couples who do live together, it's just not for me. I'm not condoning one way or another, just whatever fits you and your partner and your current living situations.
Living with someone is scary, even when it's just a friend. Combining two lifestyles together can be tricky and forging your own style has it's windy roads and bumps. In truth, I'm kind of scared to live with someone in such close vicinity. Granted, I've lived at home my whole life except for 1.8 years.
1. Sharing a bathroom
I'm sure in time I'll probably start peeing with the door open, but I doubt I'll ever be able to go #2 in front of my Fiance. I've lived with my Mom and Sister forever and still don't do it in front of them.
2. I've never really lived with a guy before
My parents divorced before I had my period and then I always had a separate bathroom from my Dad so menstrual stuff and bras hanging about were never an issue. My Mom has since remarried so that has been an adjustment, but still kind of funny at times. Luckily, the Fiance has three older sisters.
3. Laundry
I don't mind laundry, but I know that there will be things the each of us will see about each other's dirty clothes that we'll have to just get used to.
4. Cooking
Remember how I made it a resolution? I guess my intuition was telling me something! Here's the thing, I CAN cook, I just don't ENJOY it. I will eat what's available if I'm hungry. For example, I've been known to have a bowl of cereal, two spoons of PB, a nectarine, and then pork rinds and call that dinner. My Fiance however is not that easy. He wants something yummy to eat when he's hungry, not just whatever is in the house and he wants a complete meal, not just a random gathering of food.
5. Sharing space
Even living at home nearly my whole life, I've never had to share a room. So I think it will be weird to see all these man clothes in my closet, or combining our furniture until we get our "own". Plus, not living together now gives you a place to go when you A) want to be alone B) you need to get things done (instead of spending all your time with them and neglecting your dirtying room and piling laundry) C) when you don't want to get all pretty and just eat my above random dinner
Here are things I look forward to when living together:
1. Waking up and going to sleep
I'm so excited to wake up everyday next to my one true love. I know that sounds SO corny, but it's the simple truth. Knowing that I have someone to share the bed with each and every night is so comforting, intimate and romantic to me.
2. Eating
Notice I didn't say cooking? Hahahaha. What I mean is I'm excited to learn together (together being the key word here peeps...along with learn too I guess, but focus on the together). We're hoping to have fun quality time together as we try new recipes and build memories of tales such as "Remember that time I mistaked salt for sugar? Or that time we burned the chicken to smitherines and got take out?". We've also talked about taking a cooking class together to master the skills. The Fiance is a pretty good cook so I think he only suggested this idea as a nice way of telling me I better get with the program, but regardless I'm still excited about it.
3. Making a home
I'm exciting to intertwine our two styles together and decorate a place that will be home to us. Bringing qualities of homeyness from each of our family's homes together to create our own place. To finally have a place to store our stuff and finally know who ate the last bowl of my Frosted Flakes.
4. Creating our own family unit
After our wedding day we'll be our own little family. It's kind of sad to separate from the family we have now, no longer live with them or no longer share the same last name. Of course, we'll always be a part of our families and will become "official" parts of each other's families, but we'll also be our own family separate from anyone else. Like a little secret between the two of us that will only be shared by future children.
So, what's your take? Do you currently live with your BF or fiance? How is it going? Did you wait until marriage to move in together? Or did you just wait until you had a ring?
Also, what things excited you about living together? What were some shockers you had to work through?
**Sidenote: What do you think of this post? I'm thinking of mixing posts similar to this, but labeling it "Relationship Post: Subject" to intertwine with my wedding and upcoming marriage. Subjects like this, finances, family, everyday woes, etc. Just little topics that apply to every relationship married or otherwise. Yay or nay? Let me know your thoughts! I don't want to write posts that no one enjoys.**
20 comments :
Wow, those statistics suck! Thanks for scaring me! ;) For me I had to live with J before we got engaged/married. I wanted to be certain we could stand being around each other in close quarters and be able to work through the difficulties of living together....who cleans what? who pays what bills? etc. We did have a super serious and scary talk before we made the decision to make sure we were heading in the right direction, wanted the same things and would eventually be married (barring any major living together mishaps).
I can definitely see positives and negatives to both sides of the argument, especially with those horrifying statistics!
this post seriously couldn't have come at a better time! i am SO glad you shared... as i am going through the same thought process! i've been with the manfriend forEVER it seems like (5 years) and he has been hinting at living together.. but i want to keep it traditional and wait until marriage (those statistics are scary!) GREAT post - keep 'em coming!
My hubs and I moved in together right when he proposed and my parents were FURIOUS!!! I was a 28year old grown women that made my own money and let's be honest-I always stayed the night with him anyone so I was actually losing money on my apartment!! After a couple of months they obviously got over it but it took a little while. This is the first guy I have ever lived with and it is kindda like having a roommate that is your best friend and husband so basically the best of both worlds!
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those statistics are scary! I have friends on both sides of the "argument" so I can see how it works either way. Personally I never thought I would live with a boyfriend/fiance but as I get older I think it a possibilty. Just have to find the guy now!
and I like this post!
I know that I'm traditional, too. But seriously, those statistics are scary! Not to mention the fact that I'm a christian and we even waited until we were married to have sex. One of my friend's grandmothers used to always say "Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?" Silly saying, but hey it does seem true that those relationships have a harder time surviving--I can already see these facts in my friends around me. My husband and I are so glad we waited because many of our friends didn't even feel like that much changed except for a title when they got married & I hate that they missed out on that joy that we shared together. OK, I'm rambling....stopping.
Loved this post, K!
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I'm currently living with my boyfriend. We keep a lot of things separate at this point. We do our own laundry. I keep the makeup and girl stuff in another bathroom (the master bathroom has NO counter or storage space). I have a separate dresser for the bras etc. Neither of us has lived with anyone before. I think that him being in the military made the living together thing more likely. We have a definite timeline to work on figuring things out before he leaves for the next assignment.
i had known my now hubs basically my whole life. then we started dating after college...eventually it made sense financially to live together. and it was no big deal at all to us (it was to my parents, but i just ignored their remarks)...it just happened and we didn't dwell on the significance are anything like that. BUT we also had a roommate (one of Tuna's friends) so he was kind of a buffer. after about a year we started looking for a house to buy, then we got engaged, we actually bought a house, and moved in together. we were married 6 months later. SO...we lived together for almost 2 years before getting married. i can definitely see how waiting would be exciting and would make your first year of marriage probably a lot different than if you already co-habitated. i can't think of anything i didn't already expect when living with a man. men are dirty and gross, but Tuna tries to help out and does his part. I think that is important or you will go crazy. Tuna is also the youngest of 3 boys...your Fiance having grown up with sisters will be an enormous help in the transition. I am always telling Tuna how much he would have benefited from having sisters...b/c he knows absolutely nothing about womanhood! haha. anyway. i am rambling.
and i like this post. i would love to read more like it!
WOw. Thanks for all the feedback! This is exactly what this post was meant to do, start a discussion and get ideas flowing!
In general, I think that whatever a couple decides is truly up to them and what their commitment is to each other will determine their outcome. I don't think there is a "right" way for everyone, but whatever is right for you and your partner.
Anyone who may have been scared by the statistics, PLEASE check out that article about the stats of living together and you won't be as freaked out. LOL. The stats are in the favor of no cohabitating, but the figure isn't as skewed in that article.
Thank you so much for all of your comments and sharing your experience with me. It's been so interesting and I really enjoy getting to know you each better.
I've been a reader of your blog for a while now and loved this post!! I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got engaged, and have been happily married for 2 years. My brother and his wife didn't live together till AFTER they got married and I think it actually made their first couple months of marriage a tiny bit bumpier as they were also learning to live together, but they too have been happily married for a while. I feel marriage is a lovely mix of hard and fabulous no matter what your living situation before hand. I think whatever choice give you happiness butterflies in your stomache is the way to go, either way I think you two will be just fine! Thanks for having such a great blog!
i think once there is a ring..you can cohabitate..anytime before that..my parents would have my head on a platter..as well as his. lol
My bf and I have been together for 3 years and have been living together for 1.5 (although it may not be working in my favor as there is no ring in sight). It's been interesting to say the least. The bathroom phobia will go away. After a while youll know eachother's bathroom routine like as if it were your own. I think the hardest part is remembering that you share your home. In the beginning it's fun getting to know each other in a new way. Then later you start to realize all the things that annoy you about eachother. You'll find that maybe you like to clean up a certain way or on certain days and he has a different way of doing it. Once you get into a groove though it'll just be super natural and you'll realize you love him more than you did before.
What a great post....has made me think! I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years....NO RING, might I add! LOL I think that living together has definitely been tough and an adjustment, Like him using the bathroom, as in #2 with the door open...EW and drinking from the OJ carton......I don't see marriage anytime soon, just bein honest...I think living together has contributed to that delay, but I also feel that living together has helped each of us get a "true," glimpse of how marriage and life together would be, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad!
Well I'm definitely no expert, but in this economy I believe that your head and your heart have to come to some sort of understanding. When I decided to begin house shopping last year, BM was still finishing his degree. After buying a home and going through all of the emotional break downs and complete joy of calling something yours, I couldn't see myself doing it with anyone else in the world. The remodel, the decorating, the electronics and appliances...we did it as a team.
It sounds odd, but the women in my family all lived with their husands. My God-mother even lived with her husband for 30 or so years before they finally married!!! We're crazy like that. I'm confident that if BM and I get married, neither of us will have any surprises. We'll know eachother completely.
But I could see the fun with all of the anticipation leading up to the big day! Maybe I'll move back in with my parents for 6 months or something if we ever get married! Hahahah!
Just found your blog and love it! I can certainly see both sides of the argument. My husband and I did live together once we got serious. We were engaged slightly thereafter and bought a house about a year before our wedding. I think it's a matter of preference and how you feel about tradition. It will probably be really special with the two of you living together once you're married. For us, I don't feel like anything ever changed since we already had a house. I think in my head, I just felt very connected once we were husband and wife.
Taking a cooking class together sounds fun and I'm sure the two of you are going to make many happy memories :)
Great post K! I can totally see both sides of the situation. With my ex we lived together for 4 years (we were engaged for about 1yr of it) and I am soooo glad I did because if not I wouldn't have found out all the awful things about him. --because it would have been easy to hide if we didn't share bills-- but that being said I think it is so romantic and wonderful that you are waiting until marriage!
Miss K, I think you should stick to your guns & wait till after you get married. It will just make it that much more special. Besides, it won't make a difference if you live together for a couple of months prior to saying "I DO"...you're marrying this man for the rest of your life, regardless if you can or can't poop in front of him :)
P.S. I married a man that has to have a complete meal for dinner, my advice is to go to his mommy's house & have her teach you how to make his favorite meals! (be sure to write EVERYTHING down)
XOXO
Tim and I obviously are living in sin and have been for 2 years now. We lived together briefly at the beginning of our relationship and it did not go well at all. We actually broke up because of it. But we found our way back to each other knowing that the second time around we would do things differently. Here I am now 2 years after living with him, loving him more than ever. It's all about compromise. I do ALL the laundry because I don't want him to mess up my clothes. He usually is in charge of vacuuming because he says I'm terrible at it which is fine by me, I freaking hate vacuuming. I couldn't cook more than a grilled cheese sandwich when we moved in together. Look at me now! You would have never known. I know you read my recipe posts girl! Also, rule is whoever doesn't cook cleans. It takes getting used to trust me, but once you find common ground there's nothing like it. I couldn't imagine a home without him in it. Now if we could just get engaged sometime soon...hmmm maybe I am a statistic! Good discussion point lady!
I totally agree with you. Not living together before marriage is a non-negotiator for me. It's not just statistics but nowadays we have a very 'now' mentality and I think it's good to wait for somethings . I like this post!
You know what I think about this! :) I strongly believe that we shouldn't live with (or sleep with) your bf/fiance before you get married. I know I am the minority here but I've never regretted making these decisions in my own life and it's brought me nothing but pure happiness.
I'm proud of you Kristen for choosing not to move in until after you are married!
It's NO surprise to me that there are so many commenters on here that live with a bf who won't propose... I'm sorry, but why would he? If you are already living with him, he's getting everything that he wants without having to commit.
Marriage is special and history has taught us that there is a right way to do it, which is to not "do it" until you are married and not a moment before. We can learn from other's mistakes, it's a lot less painful then learning from our own.
Interesting article, great post!
Funny how the statistics biased against living together before marriage comes from a Christian website, hmmm...interesting...
Thanks for also providing the statistics FOR cohabiting before marriage (or just living together if you have no plans on getting married).
Either way, good luck! :-)
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