Our First Year

I can't believe it's already been a year since Matt and I were married. It seems like it was just the other day, but at the same time I feel like we've always been together. It's been so wonderful and exciting. The other night, I was reflecting on our first year and thinking about all of my favorite moments and times when I felt that we were growing. It's amazing what you learn in marriage and while living together with someone (Matt and I chose to wait until marriage before moving in together). I wanted to share some of what I've learned with you guys, but I know for certain there's much more to learn over the rest of our lives.

-The importance of positive affirmations

I need to hear all the good things, but so does my husband. It's good to share the little things I'm thinking;  how I think he's such a hunk, or how proud I am of him, that his hours at the gym are paying off, how lucky I am, etc. I know how I feel when he tells me these things, it's important to tell him and not just assume he knows.

-Always be grateful

Matthew and I do a lot for each other, and we like to. Just because your spouse does something all the time for you, you shouldn't expect them to do it. They do it because they love you and you want to be sure you're appreciating them and the act. Making food for the other, massages, running errands, chores you can't stand to do, etc all of these are little acts of love to help support the other.

 -Listen without being emotional

This one is hard for me. I can be so emotional and let's be honest, Matt hurts my feelings sometimes. Does he do it on purpose? Absolutely not. Is he just trying to communicate with me and be honest? Of course. Remembering this helps when we're having a heated discussion or just when he's trying to tell me something I don't agree with. 

-Communication is key

This is something I'm continuing to learn everyday. I'm hoping to one day have it mastered? Syke. I think that's something even oldies continue to learn. Obviously, communication is key to any relationship, but what I've learned this past year is talking with Matt about the "stupid" things I usually would save for my girlfriends. I mean Matt is my best friend right? Why shouldn't I go with him about something first? At first, I felt silly, like he wouldn't care, and now I don't even think twice about it. It's made me feel so much closer to him. Sometimes, I still keep stuff for my girls, but I've started to share more and more of the smaller things with matt.

Now, I realize that these four items aren't groundbreaking by any means, but just like with anything else here on the blog, I must share it! What is something you've learned from relationships? What advice have you heard or have learned? Please share!

If you thought this was good, you can see the advice I was given at my bridal shower here. Those ladies know their stuff!

Changing Your Name: Miss to Mrs

So I've been married a for a while now, and last month I finally changed my name! I had seriously been dreading this, but it was fairly easy. Here's a quick overview on what you need to do, but still check with your state laws for any differences or further actions you may be required to do.

First stop: Make sure you have your certified marriage liense, whether it's mailed to you or you have to pick it up from your county records department. This shows as proof that you're married and what your new name will be.

Next is changing your Social Security Administration and the DMV. It's best if you can make an appointment, the earlier the better! I was in an out of both Social Security and the DMV each after only 20 minutes. I couldn't believe my luck, I thought I'd be there for half my day at least.

The Social Security Administration's website is fairly user-friendly and your new card will be free! Yay!

The DMV will require you to take a new photo, so come prepared with good hair and some lipgloss. There also is a fee for your ID (in CA it's $25) and they will punch a hole in your current ID and give you paperwork as a temporary ID. Because of this, some restaurants, bars, travel places, etc can be sticklers about temporary IDs, so if you have something special planned in the next week, wait to do this step.

Now you're legally set! You'll have a new name on state records. Oh, but you're not done yet! You can't forget to update a few more items:

-bank information (this took me 45 minutes): all of your accounts and any credit cards will need to be changed
-passport: if your passport was issued within a year of your name change it will be updated free of charge, otherwise you need to pay for it again
-work: your paychecks, business cards, and work email will need to be changed
-Post Office
-bills
-voter registration
-insurance policies
-magazine subscriptions

There's still a few items I need to update (all of my magazine subscriptions), but I'm all set. Both SSA and the DMV said it would be a few weeks before I received my new cards/IDs, but I received them the next week. My biggest tips in changing your information would be to try and get it all done in one day, make your appointments or go to the establishments as early as possible, and bring some water and something to read in the likely chance you have to wait.

That's it ladies! Have you guys changed your name, what was your experience? Do you plan on changing your name after marriage? See my feelings about that here.

Relationship Post: Finances

 

I know this is a personal or touchy subject for most people, but what works for you guys? Do you have one account for you both? Individual accounts only? Or a mix of both?

Right now the Fiance and I have our own accounts and a joint one we use for our wedding savings and purchases. I'd like to keep it this way or move to have our accounts all at one bank instead of three different ones. So what will we do after the big day?

Personally, I would like my own account along with our personal account so that we each can have a weekly "budget" to use or save as we please without getting any flack from the other, whether it's personal buys, lunches or gifts for each other. Then I would also like to have a joint account for us to use for everyday stuff, savings, etc.


The Fiance wants us to have just joint accounts. Nothing is wrong with that, but having my own account gives me a sense of independence still. He can have access to it, I'm not trying to hide anything from him, I just want something that's still "mine". Also, what if we don't communicate and we double pay the same bill, neglect a bill or over draw our account? Obviously, we don't do that with our individual finances now and don't plan on it in the future, but mistakes happen.

There's no rules for this, most people find what works best for them through trial and error. Here are some issues you need to discuss when combining your budget that I found helpful from MSN.com article "Are your finances as strong as your marriage?". I've only touched on a few topics in this post, so you can check out the full article here. It's really good!

-Banking and Bill-paying
 Where to bank? What kind of accounts? Who is in charge of paying what and how?

-Joint Accounts
 Will you set one up to go along with your own separate accounts? Will you only use a joint account?

-Where will your paychecks be deposited?
 Will your paychecks go directly into your joint account? Will you take a sum of that and deposit it into your own personal account? Or vice versa, depositing your paycheck into your personal account and then transferring money to your joint account?

-How will you make spending decisions?
 Will there be a cap in which you can spend without having "permission"? I'm sure it's cool with the Fiance if I buy a cd, but I should probably consult with him before buying a new entertainment system.

-Credit and Debt
 You can try and keep your debts separate, but at some point you will have to combine debts, like when buying a home or car. Knowing your partner's strengths/weaknesses help you both in deciding what you need to do to improve your credit score and making a plan to pay of current debts.

-Future Savings
 How will you save for a home, retirement, children's college funds etc? How much will you contribute and how often? How will you save the money or invest it?


What works for you guys? How did you find a solution? What's your advice?

Relationship Post: What's in a Name?

 

For any of you ladies out there who are married, engaged, or plan on being so at some point or another...what are you going to do about your last name?? Do you plan on taking your spouse's last name? Will you keep your own? What about hyphenating it? Or taking it on as a middle name? So many choices and so many different feelings about your family name come into play for this decision.


Here are some points for each option, very subjective to my own feelings and involved a small survey of just myself.


1. Change your name to his
- This makes it easy to tell that you're a family, think of dealing with insurance or your children's schools
- It's nice to have the same last name as your children
- It's old fashioned, traditional, and a bit romantic (all your name doodling will pay off: Mrs. K. Timberlake, Mr and Mrs Efron)
- Changing all of your information everywhere- banks, insurance, Social Security, tax forms, emails, etc. can definitely be a pain in the tushie
- If you don't like your last name, here's your chance to change it
- Makes monogramming much easier (remember I'm a monogram freak)
- If there's only girls in your family, your family name will die off
- Your name may be better than his or flows better with your first name




2. Keeping your own name
- Woohoo! That was easy, no changes needed
- May hurt your man's feelings or insult his family
- Will be annoyed with questions as to why you chose to keep your family name
- You pay tribute and loyalty to your own family name by carrying it on
- It's part of your identity and you want to keep it
- Career concerns depending on what field you're in and how successful you are
- Is more commonplace now than years past


3. Hyphenating your name
- Best of both worlds, a little compromise on both parts
- Will be a pain to write it all out when signing your name
- Will suck if your name and his name are both long i.e. VanValkenburg-Anderson, but if that's the case, you probably wouldn't hyphenate


4. Taking on your last name as a middle name
- This is best scenario if you like your last name and don't have a middle name
- What are you going to do with your middle name if you have one? Keep it or throw it away?


For myself, I plan on taking the Fiance's last name. I'm a traditionalist and think it's romantic. It's also nice to be a family unit, our own little tribe and take on the family pride of my Fiance's heritage. I do LOVE my last name though and there's only girls in my family so I plan on naming my children with my last name, be it a first or middle name. When my parents divorced, my Mother kept our name because she wanted us all to have the same name and it really meant a lot to me that she did that. I kind of lucked out too that my Fiance's sister has the same first name and middle initial as I do, so hearing my first name paired with their last sounds familiar and isn't completely alien to me. Now if I can only talk her into giving up her email account to me....


So, what's your opinon? There's no right or wrong answer, just what best suits you and your spouse. Maybe you're a feminist and identify yourself with your last name and want to keep it or maybe your last name is hard to pronounce and you can't wait to shed it? What did you do or what do you plan on doing?

Wedding Post: Living Together

 

Do you agree with living with someone before you're married? Is it ok after you have a ring, but before the actual wedding? Or do you think you should wait until after you're married to move in together?


For me, this is the only thing I'm traditional about. I can't wait to live with my Fiance, but that's part of the excitement for me of getting married. Although I'm sure it's hard, I think it will be fun to co-habitate and learn more about each other and think that in 50 years we'll look back on our first year of marriage and living together and have lots of fun tales to share (although they probably won't be funny at the time). Also, statistically it's in my favor to wait.


Check out what I found online here:
-More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.
-About 45 percent of those who begin cohabiting, do not marry. Another 5-10 percent continue living together and do not marry.
-Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to divorce than those who did not.
-Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.
-A Penn State study reports that even a month’s cohabitation decreases the quality of the couple’s relationship.


Here's arguments about why you should live together:
-It's a marriage "pre-trial", you can see if you and your partner are truly compatible
-It helps you to work out those bumps of learning to live together
-Financially it can save you money instead of paying two rents, utilities etc. you only have to pay one
-If you spend almost every night together anyways, what difference does it make if you live together?
-Studies have shown that although waiting to cohabitate until marriage does increase your likelyhood of a successful marriage, the margin is not that different compared to couples to did cohabitate beforehand. Check out the numbers here, I would write them out for you but there's a lot of different numbers based on engaged or not engaged and men vs women so just read the article.


Obviously, every couple will be different and even if you did everything "by the book" doesn't mean you won't end in divorce or vice versa. I don't look down upon couples who do live together, it's just not for me. I'm not condoning one way or another, just whatever fits you and your partner and your current living situations.


Living with someone is scary, even when it's just a friend. Combining two lifestyles together can be tricky and forging your own style has it's windy roads and bumps. In truth, I'm kind of scared to live with someone in such close vicinity. Granted, I've lived at home my whole life except for 1.8 years.

 

Here are things that worry me (some of them are gross, so if you're shy turn away!):


1. Sharing a bathroom
I'm sure in time I'll probably start peeing with the door open, but I doubt I'll ever be able to go #2 in front of my Fiance. I've lived with my Mom and Sister forever and still don't do it in front of them.


2. I've never really lived with a guy before
My parents divorced before I had my period and then I always had a separate bathroom from my Dad so menstrual stuff and bras hanging about were never an issue. My Mom has since remarried so that has been an adjustment, but still kind of funny at times. Luckily, the Fiance has three older sisters.


3. Laundry
I don't mind laundry, but I know that there will be things the each of us will see about each other's dirty clothes that we'll have to just get used to.


4. Cooking
Remember how I made it a resolution? I guess my intuition was telling me something! Here's the thing, I CAN cook, I just don't ENJOY it. I will eat what's available if I'm hungry. For example, I've been known to have a bowl of cereal, two spoons of PB, a nectarine, and then pork rinds and call that dinner. My Fiance however is not that easy. He wants something yummy to eat when he's hungry, not just whatever is in the house and he wants a complete meal, not just a random gathering of food.


5. Sharing space
Even living at home nearly my whole life, I've never had to share a room. So I think it will be weird to see all these man clothes in my closet, or combining our furniture until we get our "own". Plus, not living together now gives you a place to go when you A) want to be alone B) you need to get things done (instead of spending all your time with them and neglecting your dirtying room and piling laundry) C) when you don't want to get all pretty and just eat my above random dinner


Here are things I look forward to when living together:


1. Waking up and going to sleep
I'm so excited to wake up everyday next to my one true love. I know that sounds SO corny, but it's the simple truth. Knowing that I have someone to share the bed with each and every night is so comforting, intimate and romantic to me.


2. Eating
Notice I didn't say cooking? Hahahaha. What I mean is I'm excited to learn together (together being the key word here peeps...along with learn too I guess, but focus on the together). We're hoping to have fun quality time together as we try new recipes and build memories of tales such as "Remember that time I mistaked salt for sugar? Or that time we burned the chicken to smitherines and got take out?". We've also talked about taking a cooking class together to master the skills. The Fiance is a pretty good cook so I think he only suggested this idea as a nice way of telling me I better get with the program, but regardless I'm still excited about it.


3. Making a home
I'm exciting to intertwine our two styles together and decorate a place that will be home to us. Bringing qualities of homeyness from each of our family's homes together to create our own place. To finally have a place to store our stuff and finally know who ate the last bowl of my Frosted Flakes.


4. Creating our own family unit
After our wedding day we'll be our own little family. It's kind of sad to separate from the family we have now, no longer live with them or no longer share the same last name. Of course, we'll always be a part of our families and will become "official" parts of each other's families, but we'll also be our own family separate from anyone else. Like a little secret between the two of us that will only be shared by future children.

So, what's your take? Do you currently live with your BF or fiance? How is it going? Did you wait until marriage to move in together? Or did you just wait until you had a ring? 

Also, what things excited you about living together? What were some shockers you had to work through?

**Sidenote: What do you think of this post? I'm thinking of mixing posts similar to this, but labeling it "Relationship Post: Subject" to intertwine with my wedding and upcoming marriage. Subjects like this, finances, family, everyday woes, etc. Just little topics that apply to every relationship married or otherwise. Yay or nay? Let me know your thoughts! I don't want to write posts that no one enjoys.**